Turtle-8

©Jason

"Losing family is one of the most tragic things that can happen to anyone, Jay. I am so sorry for your loss; it still hurts when I think of your brother. In fact, I can't stop thinking about him around this time of year. You don’t need validation from anyone. Your brother asked me the same questions for years. I told him the same thing: no one else truly engages with our lives, so why should we seek validation from them?

This was never a contest, right? We’re not here to line up to figure out who is the most miserable victim of life. If we spend all our time and energy focusing on that, we will just mourn until we turn into rock.

I’m not saying we should make ourselves numb and move forward, but some days, I get tired of all this. You know—all these feelings and emotions. All the sticky feelings.

I started reading all the books and listening to all the saints of every religion and doing all kinds of meditation. Some work, some don’t; some are just scams and some actually make sense.

For a very long time, I carried the guilt of Young’s passing. I was the one who’d been talking to him every day, and we were supposed to hang out that weekend.

I am tired of all the weight, all the guilt, and all the things following me. I am not trying to ignore it, but some days I have to just decide to sweep everything off the table.

If you meditate for a long time—more than enough—it makes you sick. In a way, you wake up, but not the way Buddha wanted you to; more like a 5 AM iced americano at Dunkin in a New York snow storm kind of wake-up. I just need to clear the table some days, I don’t need any deep meditation. I’m no Buddha.

And Jay, don't you dare say no one cares. I care. So don't you dare give up on me. Sometimes I live my life just to keep Young's trust."